Three-Legged Stool

When I was about to get married, my sweet, knowledgeable mother told me that marriage was like a three-legged stool. The three legs were sex, God and finances. If any of those legs was off-kilter, your stool wouldn't stand. An easy way of saying that these are the three things that people fight most over, have varying opinions of and can easily cause a BIG rift in a marriage.

Brian and I have had a pretty stable marriage. (Again, it's only been 4 years, so I know a lot of you are saying "Big whoop. Anyone can do that.") But we had three stress-free years. Three fight-free years (for the most part). Three "honeymoon" years. What I wouldn't have given to keep going on this honeymoon cruise...

What I've recently realized, though, is that the challenges we've faced in the last year have really strengthened our marriage. I loved Brian when I married him, but truly, I didn't know what it was all about. We were ignorantly happy (not that that's bad!)

So, on the first leg (ahem....sex), we've been really blessed... I'll say nothing more than this, because it's an important part of my testimony. When I was in the seventh grade, I was at church camp and I signed a True-Love-Waits card. Most of you probably know what this is, but for those who don't, it's a pledge saying you'll wait until marriage for sex. I really didn't think about it too much until college (I had NO boyfriends in high school who were worth it! Socially Correct Disclaimer: But I'm sure they've grown into well-rounded and pleasant men who their wives treasure and adore today.) In college, however, sex was the norm. There were a ton of guys who I was meeting (and honestly not too interested in) who expected girls to give it up- and here's the thing- most of them did!! So, duh, of course guys expected it! But I digress...

Then, I met Brian. Who I was wildly attracted to. Wow. And all of a sudden, that pesky true-love-waits card reared its ugly head. I'm sure a lot of people signed those cards, and then didn't give it a second thought when they were rounding third base and headed home in the bed of a pick-up truck. HOWEVER, I thought of nothing else. I couldn't get it out of my head that I was falling in love with this amazing man and the only thing I really wanted to do was IT and somehow, it just didn't seem right. So I shared this with Brian. And you know what? True love DID wait. Thank the blessed Lord above, Brian was right there with me. I had made a promise to God, and we made a promise to each other that we would wait, and we did.

So there's the first leg....

Second leg is God. When Brian and I were dating, I guess it had been around 2 months, I couldn't find anything wrong with him. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop- waiting for him to announce that by the way, his dream was to live in Antartica and, in fact, he was leaving for his 7-year sabbatical there next week. But no. No such thing occurred, but we still hadn't talked about the one thing that I figured would be a deal breaker. (Not because he acted like such a heathen, but because this was probably the one thing that I couldn't deal with.) Right before Easter weekend, I asked him:

Kelli: "So, what are you doing for Easter weekend?"

Brian: "I'll hang out with my family and go to church on Sunday."

Kelli: "You go to church?"

Brian: "Yeah. I haven't been in a while, but I always went to church when I was younger."

Kelli: "Oh yeah? What religion?" (Holding breath...please don't say scientology!)

Brian: "I went to a Baptist church when I was younger, but now a Methodist church."

Kelli: "Really? I grew up Baptist... Maybe we should go to church together sometime..." (Holding breath again.... please don't think I'm trying to push this too fast!!)

Brian: "Sure. Let's go next Sunday- do you mind going to church with my mom?"

Kelli: (inwardly- SHUT UP!! Did he just ask me to go to church with his MOM????!?!? I am IN! We are going to get married! I am going to have his babies!! Yeah, ME!!) Outwardly- "No, that's cool."

So that was how we both found out we were Christians. As you could probably tell with that little dialogue, neither of us was ACTIVELY going to church at that time. Looking back, we both were very stagnant in our Christian walks. Fast forward five or six years..... When Brian and I started a life group last fall (Sept. '07), it radically changed my Christian walk. I suddenly found what I was missing- a daily Bible study, a study group who challenged me, daily focused prayer. God began to move me. And all I could see was that He wasn't moving Brian the same way. Brian didn't like our group. Brian didn't want to do a daily Bible study. Brian wasn't committed to daily prayer. And I was devastated! I was angry at God that He would not MAKE my husband an instant spiritual leader. And God shared this with me through my life group leader:

" 1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." 1 Peter 3 1-2

God wanted me to pray for Brian, and continue walking my daily Christian walk, and God would provide Brian's path. I also could no longer allow Brian to be my excuse, so I went to life group without Brian. I prayed that my example would be noticed, and also that God would send Brian spiritual leaders to guide and direct him. (Neither one of our fathers went to church- both of our mothers were the spiritual leaders of our families.) So because Brian hadn't seen this modeled, God would have to show him the way- it wasn't something he just knew...

This was HARD for me. I tried (and failed) a lot to let the process take place, and gradually, Brian has stepped up. Brian directs not only what we need spiritually as a family, but also what I need as a wife. So while it was off kilter for awhile, that leg is balanced for the time being- it is a DAILY walk, however.

Finances. Ack. When we got married, and our first three years of marriage, we were kind of stupid. We had two good paying jobs, and we wasted our money. We did not struggle at all, we were very blessed financially, almost immediately. We tithed irregularly, and didn't ever go above and beyond what God said our obligation for giving was. Yet God continued to bless us. God blessed us with this business. And now, God is teaching us. I never understood how something like money could come between two people. And it doesn't- as long as you always have "enough". What's enough? Enough to pay the bills. Enough to eat with. Enough to buy new tires with. Enough to put a security deposit on a new home. Enough to buy a wedding present for a dear friend getting married. Enough to buy gas to go visit your family for the weekend. Enough so that you can take your dog to the vet for ear mites.

Enough.

It's an ugly, unsettling word. I think God has changed our definition of enough. What it boils down to is that when there's not "enough" for all the things you've obligated yourself to, tension rolls, and your stool is out of whack.

So our stool has been out of whack for a while, and it's hard. Yes, I know other people have it harder- I'm not comparing our situation to anything but ourselves, two years ago! It's been hard for me to admit to people that it's been harder than I expected. But I can say now that my stool is crooked. Please pray for us- we know that God will provide us with the way to "fix it"; we just don't know what that is yet. Please pray for our emotions during this time- we've yelled at each other so much this past month, I sometimes don't recognize "us". Here's what I know- I know that we will get through this, and that we will be better spouses for having this experience, and better Christians. But in the meantime, please pray! :)

Man... this is a long post....