Regret

I've often said that there is nothing that I would change about my life and past, because that's what made me who I am today. I know that God brought me through all of those experiences to grow me into the friend, wife, daughter, professional and sister He wants me to be.

But recently God's laid some stuff on my heart that I need to apologize for.

When I was in high school, I behaved as many people do, I'm sure. Trying very hard to be "cool" and being SO wrapped up in what people thought of me that I didn't really analyze what I thought of me (ironically enough, I was actually really far from being cool. Not like now, emitting "cool" vibes everywhere I go. But I digress...) While I was a "good" girl, my regret lies in the way I behaved in order to feel better about myself.

There was one girl who got to me. I felt justified in behaving atrociously towards her because she was "mean" to me. Or so I thought. Kind of a chicken and egg situation here- I don't know who behaved badly first. Regretfully, I really should have been a much better Christian example (we were friends in junior high, and I took her to church with me a couple of times.) My fear- is this how she thinks Christian friends should act?

I haven't seen her since the day we graduated high school, and at that point, probably had not spoken a word to her directly since Sophomore year. (I spoke words ABOUT her, not to her. Those, I think, are the worst kind of words...)

Fast forward.... So for several years, I've had it on my heart to find her and apologize. Seriously, I think about it quite often. I could never find her. I checked Facebook about once a month for her name. I've googled her. I've even searched our local hometown newspaper's website for her name thinking I might find a marriage announcement.

Today after my Bible study, I was praying and her name just popped into my mind. I don't know why, but I prayed that if God would have me find her, that He would give me the words to say. Lo and behold, I searched Facebook again for her name. And there it was. Top listing. I'm not kidding- I've routinely searched for her, as recently as a month ago, and her name WAS NOT there.

So I messaged her. I said what I really felt God had put on my heart to say. And now, I wait. I made sure to tell her that I didn't expect a response, because who knows how she'll feel about my message? But I wait. And I wonder- why?? Why her? Why now? Why? And the answer is, I may never know. But God does. I know far too much about our sweet Lord to think that this is a coincedence.

I regret my behavior. But I relish the fact that I serve a God who can use that behavior to grow my faith, and who WILL use that behavior, however un-Godly, in some way to grow His kingdom.