Remember....

At this time, 5 years ago, on July 30, I was sitting in the bar at some restaurant on Loop 250 in Midland, Texas, having a drink. I was trying to calm down, but my nerves were racing about a thousand miles per hour.

From what I remember that day, I had taken my parent's dog for a walk in the rain- nervous energy. People began arriving, and I got more and more anxious. I attended a bridesmaid shower thrown by my mother's friends and my aunt. (It was at a nail salon, and the nail gal told me that she didn't care if I thought I shouldn't get fake nails; I was not getting married with nails bitten to the quick.) Bless her. I nibbled on some cookies and contemplated how uncomfortable the dress I was wearing was...

I went to the Hampton Inn on Loop 250 and discovered that they had (once again) lost the reservations for our pastor. Seriously, they lost the reservations at least SIX times throughout this whole process. I was very close to loosing it as the desk manager told me that they did not, in fact, have a reservation for Pastor Schaefer, so they didn't know if he'd checked in yet. (This is why I have an intense disliking for Hampton Inn to this DAY.)

At this point, my dear friend Hilary decided to give me their gift since I was starting to crawl over the desk to throttle the desk manager. Their gift was a picnic basket with wine glasses, a bottle of wine, and some other picnic-y stuff.

I started wondering aloud where Brian was, and was informed that he was upstairs with Heath, getting ready. Seeing me about to, you know, do something destructive to the desk manager who was eying me with contempt, my beautiful friends suggested drinks before we headed to the church. So there I was, having a drink, and laughing with pals I hadn't seen in a while.

It was then that I realized that I had to stop, and take it all in. All the people we loved, almost every one of them, were here in Midland to celebrate with us. Never again would we have ALL of them together in one place with us. And then we went to the church.

I remember thinking my maid of honor, old Morgan, looked better than I did- she had on some great pants and fantastic shoes... Then I fought with the lady from the church in charge of running the show (we remember her fondly as the 'wedding nazi'.) She thought that the way I wanted my candlelighters to come in was stupid. My mom cut me off as I started to tell wedding nazi that I thought SHE was stupid, and informed her that we would be doing it my way because it didn't hurt anything or anyone.

Then Kris, a sorority sister of mine, walked down the aisle with my daddy as I watched. And all I could do was smile- was this happening?!?!

We made it through the ceremony run through, and headed to La Bodega for the rehearsal dinner. Old Morgan started hitting on one of the groomsmen hard core. And again, I was swept away with emotion as I thought about how we would NEVER be at dinner with THIS group of people who had shaped our lives ever again.

As the dinner came to a close, and the girls started to head to old Morgan's house for a lingerie shower where I received some incredibly inappropriate and disturbing items from MY COUSINS, I kissed Brian goodbye, and thought about the next time I would see him- at the alter.

Precious

Announcing the Gann Clann's newest addition:



Alyson Reed Gann

Release

So yesterday at church, our pastor spoke on a really interesting topic that I find incredibly stress-relieving. He's just written a book called Your Life in Rhythm. The basic idea is that a "balanced life", which everyone always says we should have, is not a Biblical principle. Rather, one should accept and strive for a rhythmic life over balance.

I find it SO relieving to know that it's not just me who can't find balance!! I mean, if you've found a way to balance work, play, family, etc., devoting equal time and energy to ALL parts at the same time, more power to you, but that just ain't happening for me!!

The fact is, there are different rhythms of our regular lives (day, week, month, year) and then there are those rhythms that we see as stages. So, when you're having a new baby, obviously, you may have to give up being the president of the PTA, because you won't have time!! AND THAT'S OKAY!!! When you're mourning the loss of a loved one, it's okay that work takes a backseat!

So, as part of our life group study yesterday, we had to identify what life stage we were going through so we could release unrealistic or false expectations of ourselves, and also, so we could look forward to and seize opportunities unique to this life stage.

As our group talked this through, most people answered with ease. And then it was our turn. Brian and I looked at each other, and then down at the paper we were supposed to be filling out. And we both came up with the same answer. "We don't have a stage. We're in this weird transition period." Well, dang. This makes this process a little more difficult....

The fact is, this is a time in our lives that we're kind of waiting on God to show us what's next. Professionally, financially, personally, etc. So, then, we had to release unrealistic expectations of ourselves, and inwardly, my wall just pops up. Because I know what the reasonable answer is here, but I can't release it. I know that REALISTICALLY, we should kind of wait and see how things go professionally before we decide it's time to have a baby. I KNOW THAT. My head knows that this makes total sense, and just because I "release" that expectation right now, doesn't mean we won't turn a corner in a few months and be ready to look at that again.

But my heart is a different story. My heart is a wicked, selfish, single-minded, irrational stone of a thing today as it screams "It's not fair!!" It's not fair that I feel like I was made for a role that I can't play right now. It's not fair that this just gets to be so easy for some people. It's not fair that I saw about five minutes of the "16 and Pregnant" show on MTV and had to turn it off because I was so disgusted that this stupid little girl had to decide if she wanted to "keep" her baby, or terminate the pregnancy.

And I KNOW that life's not fair. God never promised that it would be- just that He would take care of us. So I'm marinating on that. I'm also marinating on the fact that if I could get my heart to behave and realize that just for today, if I could release all that feeling and emotion, I would have a better day. And I'm marinating on how blessed we already are! Oh, the Lord has blessed us so plentifully, how can I not praise Him for that, even as I ask Him for what He already knows I want?

Do you struggle this way? Do you struggle to release those expectations you've defined for yourself, even if you know they're not realistic, or false? Do you have to WORK to bring yourself to a place where, even though it's a daily battle that you go through kicking and screaming, you let God pry your selfish little fingers from your doubt and hurts? I know I'm not the only one, and I want you to know you're not alone, either! I'm praying for you!! Release it today (even if you have to do it again tomorrow!!) Maybe blog about it, because writing/ talking through it makes me feel so much better, and not quite so alone.... ;-)